The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
