Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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