They should really pass out barf bags in church
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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