i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
