there was a trapeze. enough said
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
