weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
