two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
