omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
