Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
