i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
