your parents love me but you hate me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
