do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
whose ass print is on the piano?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
