I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
