I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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