Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
