Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize