Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
