new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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