I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
