And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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