I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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