You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
