Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
