70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
