I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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