hotel room ftw
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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