I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
as a side note pls kill me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
