I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize