I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
