he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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