my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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