Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
