Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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