Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
