First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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