I wanna passion pit in your ass
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize