My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize