I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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