but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize