I think I won the penis lottery.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
