Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
