I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
