That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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