I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
