Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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