Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
