she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize