Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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