we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
