She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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