Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
