I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
