It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
