You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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