drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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