The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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