Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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