First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
