I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
