Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
