my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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