and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
